Crisis

This will be brief, as I have to type as quickly as I can with paws, claws, and no opposable thumbs.

We are still in our sad situation but I do take advantage of my humans' fondness for me and run around the house inspecting everything when I first come inside for the night. I don't think they realize how much they need me. Who knows what could be lurking in a bedroom if I don't make sure it's all clear?

Also, I recently turned 6. SIX. That makes me MIDDLE-AGED. How could this have happened? Where has my youth gone?!

The worst thing is that my humans completely forgot about it. It must have been two weeks past the date when my female human finally told me happy birthday. To her credit, she felt bad about forgetting it. But she still forgot it.

I'm feeling little sorry for myself today. I think I'll have a combination birthday/pity party a little later. Isn't that what middle-aged people do?

And then I think I'll go out and buy a sports car.

Hola!

I know it's been forever, but it is almost impossible to get on the computer these days. For one thing, my male human is on it quite a bit, but most importantly, I'M OUTSIDE ALL THE TIME. When we do get to come in, we're immediately herded into a tiny room. It's disgraceful.

However, I am wily and dexterous, so I finally managed to get on the computer for a second. Look, here is something I found that's kind of funny: LOL Cats
Ha ha, stupid cats can't spell.

Aw, I just found this LOL Dogs
Those dogs can't spell either! Hm, that's not very realistic. And not nearly as funny. There's something fishy there...

Well, like I said, I don't have much time, so this isn't going to be quite up to my usual brilliance. Oh, I do want to share with you something Molly said the other day; it was actually quite profound. She said, "I'm not sure I believe that the speed of light is constant. Why just the other day, I a;lsefj

Whoops! Gotta g

I Need a Dog Lawyer. A Pawyer?

I don't like the turn things have taken.

We have moved to a new house, I'm not sure exactly where, only that it was a loooong trip, and now I can't even come inside?? They stuck us in a yard, gave us a sad little igloo thing to live in (it's actually pretty nice for short stretches of time, but I don't know where the other two are going to lay down), and only let us come in when it's really cold or raining! And then only into a tiny room!

I protest!

Poop Deck

The other night I was lying peacefully on the bed (ssshhhhh) while my female human was giving the little human a bottle nearby. All of a sudden we heard Penny yelping in the kitchen, her little nails scrabbling for purchase on the linoleum. I jumped down to investigate and she shot past me up on to the bed, right up next to the female human, who looked down and said, "Penny!" And then called for her husband to come get Penny because she was spooked by... her own poop.

Yes, this brain trust had not only gone for a poop in the house, which she knows she's not supposed to do, but when a pooplet got stuck to her booty, it completely freaked her out. I mean, freaked. her. out. She was as scared as she could be. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. It was really funny. Really, really funny. Ha ha ahahahahahahahahahaha. Even the female human started laughing and that was after Penny jumped on the bed WITH POOP ATTACHED.

Fortunately (from the humans' perspectives), the poop was pretty firm and thus easy to clean up, no big deal.

Oh, too much information? Aren't we a squeamish bunch today?

ps - My female human wants to add a note.

Hi, Sassy's audience! Just a note for the human perspective on this. Imagine trying to give your baby a bottle in peace and quiet, so he will drift off to sleep, so much so that you haven't even tried to get one dog off the bed because she's very stubborn (ed. note - Hey!) and you don't want to wake the baby up, and all of a sudden you hear a dog in a frothing panic in the next room and are imagining all kinds of things -- a mouse, a rat, God forbid a snake? And here she comes, a little chubby part-Chihuahua, big eyes even more wild than usual, flying up on the bed to get away from this horror that's terrorizing her... backside. The pooplet came flying off as she reached me and rolled next to me, and I was a little panicked myself at this point because, you know, WHAT WAS IT? All of this while trying to be quiet and calm, mind you, don't forget that. Then I saw that it was POOP. OMG, Penny. So I picked up the pooplet and called A as calmly and quietly as I could and he came and got Penny and the pooplet, and we all moved on. And I don't think Bunny was even that disturbed. That's how good I am. (ed. note - normally I don't go for this sort of conceit, well, in others, anyway, but I have to admit she handled this situation pretty well. Especially given that it was Penny. I think her new name should be OMG Penny. Inflection and all.)

Long Time No Write! (Well, Type)

I haven't written because it has been busy and yet uneventful lately. Oxymoronic, I know, but what's a puppy to do? I just report the facts.

Penny is still irritating, still on the hip-hop thing. She moved on to Jam Doggy, Four Pawz, MC Lil' Dogg, and finally Lil' Luv, which I found absolutely hilarious. I think she should go with Lil' Diva, that suits her. But Molly and I still won't go along with her names, so she's been a lil' aggravated.

Molly is still... well, Molly, and my humans are the same as usual. I still can't figure out why the little one gets more attention than I do, I mean, I was here first, hello!

Hmph. Whatevs.

Oh! A couple of weeks ago my male human took Molly out during the night and she ran around the side of the house and wouldn't come when he called her. So he went back in to get a flashlight. Upon his return outside, he heard a horrible gurgling scream and ran around the side of the house in time to see Molly shaking an opposum like a limp rag. Erk. I mean, Go, Molly! I mean, How uncivilized! Oh, I don't know what I mean, I'm just glad I wasn't there.

My male human was disgusted and hasn't felt the same about Molly since. Because there's more. Apparently Molly, in her zeal, actually decapitated the poor unwitting creature. (And she says she's a delicate Southern flower. Delicate, my furry posterior!)

AND THEN the next day when my male human went out to discard the pieces, they were gone. Vanished into the night, leaving nary a wrack behind. I mean, not even blood. We have cats in the neighborhood, of course, and probably hungry ones at that, but... that is some thorough work.

Excuse me, I just came all over faint for a moment for some reason. I think it's too hot in here.

Mi Vida

Penny moved on to P. Doggy but we still refuse to humor her. She's persistent, I'll give her that. One might even say obstinate.

The humans have been staying away and coming home at odd hours. I don't like it when they do this. Where do they go? What do they do? Why can't I go? I notice they always take the tiny human with them. Why does he get to go? I've been here longer, I think seniority should count for something. Or señority. Ha.

Well, I guess technically it would be señorita-y, which isn't funny at all. *sigh*

Not too much happening here, as you can see. Molly is much the same as ever, except really itchy too. She gets bitten by everything and her skin is always irritated and inflamed. As she keeps telling us, she's a delicate Southern flower.






Delicate, yo.

For Pity's Sake

Now she's trying to make us call her P-Dawg...